The Bess Chronicles Part II: Calling an Audible
Easily the most interesting position in any sport is the quarterback. The quarterback not only leads the offense on the field, he runs it, in a way that no other player in any sport (that I’m aware of) does. Obviously the coach calls the plays, but the quarterback doesn’t only relay that information to the rest of the offense, he also has the possibility of altering it based on what the defense is doing. He (or she, for all the feminists out there who think girls can play sports) looks at how the defense is set up and tries to figure out what they’re going to do. If it looks like they’re going to use a zone defense rather than a man-on-man defense, he might tell the receivers to run different routes than the ones they’re supposed to. He can even audible, telling the offense to run an entirely different play than the one they’re supposed to. Then, of course, he has to execute the play.
Don’t worry, this post isn’t about sports. I’m merely making an analogy. Successfully courting someone (and yes, that word does sound comically old-fashioned) is a lot like being a quarterback. You might go into things with a certain expectation of what you’re going to do, but when surprising or unusual information is given to you, you have to be able to completely alter the way you’re going to go about getting things done. You have to be able to think on your feet and react to anything that comes up. This is really where the analogy breaks down, because in dating your goal is the exact opposite of the quarterbacks; unlike the quarterback, you’re aiming for the sack.
So now I’m the quarterback, and Bess is the defense, and she just called a suicide blitz (if you don’t know the rules of football this analogy might be going over your head, and for that I apologize). If you’ll recall, I suspected that something was up that Bess wasn’t telling me, but I wasn’t sure how to talk to her about it without scaring her off, so I decided to just let it slide and figured either I was imagining things or it would come up naturally. And it did come up naturally… when I asked about it.
Bess admitted that she’s been feeling conflicted, and it took all of my will power not shout “called it!” at that moment. Apparently, some unspecified amount of time ago, Bess had a very bad breakup with some sort of boy creature. Recently, he admitted to her that he wants to get back together with her, even though he lives some unspecified distance away from Austin. Her question: should she get back together with him or not?
I consider Bess to be a friend, and my natural instinct in situations like this is try to help my friend come to the decision that is best for them. Unfortunately, I can’t do that this time, because I’m rather biased. In my opinion, what’s best for her is to dump this guys sorry ass and spend all of her time with her junk wrapped around my junk. Is that what’s best for her? I have no idea, but it’s what’s best for me, so that’s the party line that I’m sticking to.
But when she told me about the awkward situation she is in, I realized that I needed a plan. I have a clear goal in mind: to convince her that I am the right guy for her and this boy creature is not. My old plan of just straight up pursuing her works fine in a normal single guy chasing normal single girl situation, but that’s not what I’m dealing with. I don’t have to just be good, I have to be better than the alternative, which calls for a very different strategy.
So at that moment I called an audible. I said to my offensive line and my wide receivers, “okay guys, here’s what we’re going to do: we’re going to be there for her. We’re going to give her space, we’re going to give her time. We’re not going to pressure her. We’re not going to harp on this issue. We’re going to pretend that we’re not worried about it, that we’re just a really nice, supportive guy who gives her everything she needs. And then we’re going to fuck her.”
And that’s what I’ve been doing, hopefully all leading up to that last part. Unfortunately, as we’ve both been rather busy, I haven’t seen her in a week, but hopefully I’m going to see her tomorrow, and I’ll keep going with that strategy. I will execute this play perfectly, and by the end of all this I will end up in the endzone… and by the endzone I mean her pants.
Explore posts in the same categories: Sex/RelationshipsTags: Bess, Boyfriend, dating, Friends, girlfriend, Relationships, Sex
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